I am one of of the biggest assholes you will ever know. It took training, study and combat, but I am the asshole master.

Today, being an asshole is no longer looked down upon and this is evident in the current TV lineup. If you watch any of the following shows, you enjoy assholism.

• House
• South Park
• The Office
• How I Met Your Mother

These are just to name a few. All of these shows have assholes that make the show humorous and worth watching. Imagine these shows without their asshole characters. Dr. House, Cartman, Jim Halpert or Dwight Schrute, and Barney Stinson. These shows would be humorless and would be cancelled faster than Rosie O’ Donnel can finish a wedding cake. Can you imagine American Pie without stifler? Fuck that. Assholes make life interesting and if you think otherwise I hope you get Super AIDS.

The definition of Asshole found on Dictionary.com is “a stupid, mean, or contemptible person”. This definition is probably 50 years old and needs to be rewritten. Today’s definition of an asshole should be “A highly intelligent and creative person who can find humor at the expense of others and enjoy humor at their own expense” You have to be able to give shit and take shit. If you can only dish it out, but can’t take it, you deserve every hurt feeling and I hope you drown in your tears or end your life via erotic asphyxiation.

I am not saying that the guy that cut you off in traffic or the person who you opened the door for and didn’t say thank you isn’t an asshole. They are just an asshole by the old definition. I am talking about being a funny asshole who everyone looks to when something requires a hilarious comment.

I can no longer tolerate the pussification of the world. We have evolved from assholes who have destroyed other species to survive. The pussies ate nuts and berries and died in the winter. The assholes killed anything that looked edible. I am here to teach you pussies how to be assholes, so get your pens and notebooks out. Asshole school begins today.

In the following days I will teach you how to talk shit, take shit, and enjoy the asshole moments found in everyday life.